| Question.... |
[Feb. 1st, 2005|03:30 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  confused | ] |
so basically its over with him...i havent spoken to him in like a week. funny thing is i didnt even do anything. i mean we never were really anything to begin with but even our friendship is all fucked up. his ex found out about me and him and now she is pissed and freaking out. now she has shit all over the place with him calling him hers. whatever...all i want is the copies of the tapes from our trip to boston and then im done. he's not trying to even salvage our friendship so why should i. so here is my question...
why is it that when someone who broke up with another finds out that their ex hooked up with someone else and now all of a sudden realizes that they wanna be with that ex again. ive seen this happen so often and it just cracks me up. its the senario of you want what you cant have and then when you get it, you dont want it anymore. can anyone answer this for me? bc it confuses the hell out of me. and makes me laugh at the same time, bc like ive said, ive seen it happen and then the ex gets back with that someone and it ends up in the shitter anyways and then they miss out on something that could have been good if not great. oh well their loss i guess!! |
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| Surrender |
[Feb. 1st, 2005|03:15 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  indescribable | ] |
Just one of my writings...
Open your eyes
Don't you see your wasting time
Open your eyes
Don't you see its your life
If only you would surrender
My light will continue to shine
All the tears you've cried in your soul
All the pain you feel in your heart
Just surrender
I stood aside waiting
Waiting for the day you would see
But all you did was push me away
You make your misery my company
My light will continue to shine
All the tears you have cried in your soul
All the pain you feel inside your heart
Just surrender |
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| Im done (i think) |
[Feb. 1st, 2005|03:10 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | confused | ] |
why do i keep putting myself through the same shit over and over and then over again. and the only person i have to blame is myself. im a fool, an idiot and just flat out stupid to think it would go the way i wanted it to. BUT i cant help it, i dont know what my deal is. im fucked up in my head, scared and confused way beyond my own help. i need to just let it all go in every sense and keep my mind on getting my life back on track. but yet again i cant. i see things and hear things that should make me say fuck it, move on but im too far into for my own good. farther than i should be. why did i let myself get so involved?? now i'm stuck and i dont know what to do..........................
i have a few options but they would all mainly mean i would have to grow some brass, no golden balls to carry them out. then there's the one and only one that doesnt consist of that...but that would mean i have to shut all feelings off and let everything be what it is, thats just as hard bc i know i care more that i should, more than i want to and that scares me more than anything. but im confused on top of it. confused as to why i care so much. i know that any normal person wouldnt let things get to this point.
this situation is all way to close for comfort, i was hurt before and i know i will be again. i already am hurting from this and it will only get worse. i will be the only one who gets hurt in it so i NEED to let go. the situation before was a little more involved with things than the one now, but this situation is still to close to that one for me to handle anymore. i need to get away from everything. fade away, far away!!! |
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| Butterflies Dont Lie |
[Feb. 1st, 2005|03:00 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  dorky | ] |
I wrote this over the weekend, its kinda bad bc i cant seem to get it to work. but i wanted to post it anyways. i have all this shit on my mind and i kinda think this explains it lol. but i cant really talk about it to the person this is towards. ugh!!!! this sucks! it just seems like one second im like yeah im gonna say something then he says something and makes me not wanna. i dont know, i think i'll just surpress my feelings, not fun and/or easy but its whats got to be done, bc i know in my head that it will never be more than what it is and i dont wanna lose whatever it is. i care about him way to much to lose anything. i mean dont get me wrong i am happy with how things are, but i all of a sudden have these feelings that i dont know where they came from. ugh!!
Butterflies Don't Lie
Every time you look at me
I have to tell myself to breath
With just one smile
You capture me
I could tell myself each time
Its all in my head, it isnt real
You're just some guy
But I can't deny, can't even try
Butterflies don't lie
Should I keep this to myself
Or let you see inside
If there's a chance you could be mine
But I'll keep my secret safe and when I see you
I could tell myself each time
Its all in my head, it isnt real
You're just some guy
But I can't deny, can't even try
Butterflies don't lie
I know you don't consider the potential to be much more than friends,
So I intend to show you
What a girl can do when she plays to win
Or,
I could tell myself each time
Its all in my head, it isnt real
You're just some guy
But I can't deny, can't even try
Butterflies don't lie |
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| more..... |
[Feb. 1st, 2005|02:40 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  content | ] |
here is more, now you have to realize this is all from like back in novemeber up until today.
so, update on that boy....yeah so we finally hooked up. yay! but before that all even happened i wrote him a poem. i was gonna give it to him regardless if anything happened that night ( which it did hehe ). BUT yes there is a big but ( and im not talking about mine lol ). we arent declaring ourselves anything. which is fine with me. we hang out quite often and its fun and relaxing. we mainly sit in and watch movies. its nice. i enjoy it. ( and yes we actually watch the movies, thank you! ) i dont wanna ruin what we have now so i dont question what it is....
but he did make the peom i wrote him into a song. i didnt make myself a copy of it and i NEVER remember anything i write lol. so here is what he made out of it....
An endless road
Feel the restless wind
Losing the fear inside
I’ve got no choice
To live…to die
I run, can’t keep from falling
this is a chance, the only chance
I must show you what I’m made of
I am worthy, I won’t give up
This is my only chance (I want to be enough)
I know I can trust you, I’ve seen this from you
With all the,emotions I’ve locked away
Thinking of nothing else when I’m with you
I don’t want to care, I can’t care more than you do
You’re a dream, I can’t wake up
Satisfy this hunger
no matter how hard I try
no escape from what’s inside
I run, can’t keep from falling
this is a chance, the only chance
I must show you what I’m made of
I am worthy, I won’t give up
This is my only chance (I want to be enough) |
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| its been awhile |
[Feb. 1st, 2005|01:32 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  bored | ] |
well its been way to long since i've posted anything in here, a lot of shit has happened. ive written a lot and i lost my job! i wont post all of it now bc then it will be on long ass post. i'll do it one at a time...where to start ha! i guess i'll start with the boy...i wrote a lot about him so i guess i'll start at the beginning so i dont confuse anyone lol.
so the guy im in total like with right now comes over to hang out and watch movies. first night just me and him hung out together alone. yay right? i know! so he gets to my house after work and we pop the movie in. we are totally sitting at opposite sides of the couch but we keep creeping closer to each other. then he finally just uses me as his own personal pillow, i think those were his words exactly. so im like ok this is good, right? mean while in the back of my head i have my friends telling me to step up the flirting a notch. so what do i do? i step it up. by the time the movie was over we were like totally wrapped up in each other ( not like that ) just like spooning but all intertwined. more good stuff.
i knew he was tired so i figured he would go home. not so much. he asked me what time it was ( it was only 9:30 ) so he asked me if i felt like watching the other movie. told him it was totally up to him bc he was the one who had to drive home. he told me to put it in. which means he didnt wanna leave and still wanted to stay with me. yay again! so when the movies starts we basically go right back to how we were when the last one ended. wrapped up.
then when that movie is done, it was like 11 15. figured he would totally go home. but no he didnt. he said he was too comfortable and relaxed and he didnt wanna move. i mean hello either did i. so we stayed like that for like 30 - 45 mins talking and flirting. so then he finally gets up to leave. i walk him upstairs to the front door. thinking ok this is it.....he WILL kiss me! ( keep in mind we havent hooked up yet )......
but NO, i got nothing!!!! i mean i know he is shy and all but come on. you have to know that im totally into you. invite you to come over and hang out and then lay there together from 7 30 - 12 like that and then just leave? ugh! i dont get it. i really dont. and its totally frustrating me to the point where im just gonna come out and tell him that i like him. i just need to grow the brass balls and do it. ive never had problems with telling a guy how i feel. but for some reason im scared shitless to let him know....so i think im just gonna suck it up and do it! wish me luck :-)
****ok update already, talking to him now and he keeps referring to me as a friend, so i bitched out on telling him. tells me that he wants me to stick around for awhile, says he not normally a social dude and usually when he meets someone ( a girl im guessing lol ) he just does them and ruins it. ahh if you do me it wont!! i promise!!! why cant i say shit like that to him and i dont wanna be all highschool girl and have a friend say something to him ya know i dont know what to do anymore****
so there you have the first part...more to come at a later date :-) |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 18th, 2004|10:34 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  lonely | ] |
ok so last night i couldnt sleep, so i wrote.
*My Place*
my place is here without you
or is it true?
i find seeing u with her is a pain
without something that i can gain from
feeling this way
i just hope that i will not fall again
there are times i wish i did something more
so u could see me
but i think u did
it doesnt matter to u that i was there
how did i know?
your eyes, they say it all...
i have been living in this dream
where there's only the both of us and no one else
i dunno which is reality anymore
and i just cant go on
cool, dark and mysterious
thats what u r
i couldnt say anything more
im crazy about u
but i cant feel u anymore
is there anytime anywhere u could have
looked at me that way i wanted u to...
________________________________________________________________
The things that surround me
I don't recognize them.
These people touching me,
who are they?
They leave me alone,
I'm left alone again.
I look to my left
I see this young girl...
Who is this girl I see?
she stands there looking at me.
Her face is so confusing
like she's lost.
I try to ask her for her name,
but all I get is silent words.
I try to touch her,
but she mimics my every move.
I realize, this is no ordinary girl,
but myself.
I remember my name, I remember my life.
I remember the time of day,
and the months. I remember the numbers
and the words on the walls - and what they mean.
I know my bed, and what it's for. The pillow so soft
on my face - I quickly fall asleep.
I wake up, I look straight in front of me.
I see this young girl,
I wonder her name...
I ask, but all I see are silent words.
She mimics my every move.
I try to touch her,
but I feel the cold glass amongst my fingers.
This girl isn't no oridinary girl...
this is me...
I remember I did this yesterday,
and I know I'll do it again tomorrow...
__________________________________________________________________
*Somewhere Far Away*
This deep grief inside
can never be denied
It needs to be released
I feel I cannot breathe
All the time that passed me by
I found I was so blind
but I don't even wanna see
'cause this life is not for me
I need a place to stay
somewhere far away
I don't wanna stay awake
in my dreams I'll be free
I just wanna fall asleep
'cause my thoughts are killing me
Hope turned into despair
So hurtful, so unfair
I ask myself why can't I change?
I always end up being the same
I feel so empty inside my head
I don't act friendly but I don't care
'cause nothing matters if I can't go
to the place where I really feel at home
I need a place to stay
somewhere far away
I don't wanna stay awake
in my dreams I'll be free
I just wanna fall asleep
'cause my thoughts are killing me |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 8th, 2004|11:27 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | content | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | whatever's on the radio | ] |
my cousin finally called me yesterday. i got to go see her, i brought her cigs. so even tho i only got to see her for like 2 mins, it made me feel better. i know she is alive, and she looks and sounds like she is doing better. says she is only gonna be in there for like tops another week. thank god!! i wanna go actually visit her tonight, where i can sit down and talk to her. told her to call me, so hopefully she does.
went to the tango last night. met up with Erika, Carlie and Alaina. had a good time. met up the the DE girls. very nice girls. glad i got to meet them. GIRLS night, even tho we were missing some of the girls. it was nice to get out and actually feel like being out. wasnt gonna go but glad i did. got to talk to one of the bouncers Jeff. he asked me why i wasnt there on wed, being i always am. told him that i just didnt feel like being around anyone so i stayed in. talked to him about my sister's ex and what he is doing. gave me some good advise that i SOOOO gonna use. if it can put that fucker in jail, im all for it! woo hoo!
so my days are getting better as they go. still in sort of a funk. not sure if i feel like going out tonight either. have plans to hang out with cristy to either go to the red stallion or to go see the benderz. not sure. i know i have a long day ahead of me tomorrow. going to DE to go shopping, then have to rush home to go babysit. still not sure what time that will be. havent heard back. so hmmmmm, hopefully its around 7 so i can go shopping. i know that will put me in a good mood, new clothes!! cant beat that. |
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| oh what a life i lead |
[Oct. 7th, 2004|07:40 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | melancholy | ] |
where to start. a lot of shit has happened to me the past week or so. the whole sister thing, mad shit still going on with that. now i think i have to go to court. FUCKER!! i have no more days to take of from work and now i have to bc the stupid shit head is being a baby bc my dad took the speakers my dad paid for...ahhhhh i hate him. he's such an ass. makes me soooo fucking angry to even think about it. but ya know what, take us to court. your gonna get laughed right out of the court room. you think we are stupid and scared of you little childish games. well guess what fucker you got another thing coming at ya.
then i get a phone call from my cousin yesterday. so not good. she admitted herself back into the hospital. she got so bad to the point she beat the shit out of her girlfriend, scared herself and took two buses to the hospital. i just wish i could do something to help her. i hate seeing her like this, and yes i know all i can do is be there for her. trust me i know that all too well. i mean yeah ive got depression and its not fun, but she's got way more than that. and then when my grandfather passed away it made her worse. i just pray and hope she gets better soon. i love you soooo much!!
and last but not least, i got in a huge arguement with one of my close friends on friday night. i hate it when we fight. its kills me inside. some things he said to me really hurt bad. never thought he could or would think of me like that. didnt know if he said it out of anger or what. i hope thats all. bc him saying that is like my own family saying that to me. i honestly dont think he knows just how much he means to me. he's been there for me through my hell and back stage, more than my own bestfriend. its kills me inside to think of him as not in my life. just know that i am sorry and i want to make things better again. |
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| The End.... |
[Sep. 28th, 2004|11:25 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  aggravated | ] |
so last night was a night i was not expecting to have at ALL. my whole plan was to sit at home and get to bed early so i can get to work early. did that work? nope of course not. and i blame my sister's ex fiance for it. what a dick! so my night starts off, im laying in bed and my mom comes to my room and tells me that her and my dad are going to my sisters. makes me wonder so i ask. "he is kicking her out." oh god why now!? so i go and lay back down. as soon as my parents leave jen calls the house. now i need to get involved. which was the last thing i wanted to do. i need to bring proof to the cops, yes cops are now involved as well, that my father paid for two speakers and they were taking them. so now every ounce of me that was once tired, yeah not so much anymore.
so i get there and the "dick" is walking around outside on the phone with "the homewrecker". i walk up to him, bc keep in mind that phone that he is on, yeah its in my name. i gave him 2 options. he can either meet me after work the next day to switch it to his name or i shut it off. he tells me he will meet me. i actually had a civil conversation. i think i was more adult about the whole situation last night than my own parents. but hey thats just me. i mean yeah i wanted to kick him or something but i kept my calm bc my parents sure as hell werent. but i do think i pissed the cops off just a little. they told my sister to take on what she needs for now and she has 30 days by law to go back and get the rest. yeah right they dont know him, he will either not let her or destroy what is left. so me i go on the run for everything. and the cops knew everything that i had when i walked right on by them. the best part of the whole night, it all started bc she received a phone call from a friend and he thought she was cheating on him. ummm hello dumbass, you are the one cheating, you have been for the past 8 maybe 9 months and the bitch in now what 5 or 6 months pregnant. i just dont understand how people (can i really call him a person?) can act this way. i makes me sick to my stomach.
so we get home, unpack the cars. i look at her and say im taking you out. so i take her up to the tango. and i thank everyone that was there last night that i got to talk to about this for their support towards my sister. it really meant a lot. i mean its one thing that you are all there for just me, but when you listen to my sister bitch, which i cant really do that much anymore, that means the world to me. bc my friends are my family too. so hopefully this is just the beginning of the end of it all. the funny thing though that made the rest of my night, was he called her like 10 times. 6 just on the way home from moving her out and 3 times while we were out and once on the way home after the tango. well i feel better now that i vented, well kinda :-) |
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